Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
