anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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