worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
