i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
