btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
