U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
