turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
