My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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