Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
