I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
