He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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