After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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