My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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