Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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