I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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