I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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