i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
