I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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