you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
