saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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