Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize