I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
