quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
