I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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