I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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