I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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