we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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