I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
