If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
