bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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