I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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