Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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