so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
