I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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