I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
