Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
