I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
should my penis look like a turkey
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
