In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am mentally ready for anal.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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