I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
