Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize