You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
