she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
