when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
