Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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