The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
