Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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