You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
