Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
