I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
