those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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