Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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