I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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