I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
