a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
