She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
